Wives, Submission, and Foolish Husbands

February 7, 2012February 7, 2012 Tony Reinke Marriage, Wives

The following excerpt is taken from a book written for women, but one I find very helpful as a husband. The quote reminds me that my wife is called to exercise her own biblical discernment in relation to the decisions I make (or fail to make). My wife is not called to follow me into foolishness or sin. She knows this, and knowing that she knows this keeps me on my toes. I first read this excerpt around Christmas, and I’ve come back a few times since to dwell on the implications for me. What follows is the quote taken from Nancy Wilson’s book, Building Her House: Commonsensical Wisdom for Christian Women (Canon Press, 2006), pages 44–45:

The commands of submission and obedience are only difficult when we disagree with our husbands. If we agree with them and do what they say, it can hardly be called submission. Submission comes into play when we differ with them over an issue, but we defer to them and willingly give way.

But what about when the husband is in sin? This is a very important issue. What if the husband has adopted a wrong attitude and is heading in the wrong direction? Is a wife obligated to go along? It all depends. I have often been saddened that we don’t see more Abigails in the church today. She was not afraid to call her husband a fool and make arrangements behind his back without his permission [1 Sam. 25]. God blessed her abundantly for intervening in this way. She did not stay home and wait for David to attack her household while calling herself a submissive wife. She recognized that her husband was acting the part of a fool, and she exercised wisdom and prudence by going to King David herself.

If a man is acting foolishly, a woman is foolish to go along quietly. Of course this requires great wisdom. I am not advocating giving wives license to disobey in a willy-nilly fashion; that is what I am objecting to in the paragraphs above. But there are times when a godly wife should beseech her husband not to act in a foolish manner. It may involve doctrine. Perhaps she is alarmed that he is being attracted to heretical ideas, whether it is “openness theology” or Roman Catholicism. She should speak to him respectfully about this and let him know she cannot follow him there. If she belongs to a godly church, her elders would support her in this.

Perhaps he is plotting to create some kind of stink in the church. Abigail would not stand for it. A good Christian wife should go to the elders and ask them how she can be a good church member and a good wife at the same time. She should not simply stand by, hoping that her husband will do the right thing. Nor should she just accept anything her husband does as though he is infallible. If a husband is bad-mouthing his elders, his pastor, or his friends, a godly woman should refuse to go along. She should speak to him privately first, but if he is not receptive, she should go to her pastor or elders and seek their advice. This same pattern should be followed if a husband is violent, if he has a temper, if he is cheating on his income taxes, if he is not providing for the household, or if he is being sexually unfaithful in any way—and this is not an exhaustive list.

A wife is to be a helper to her husband, not a blind follower, and this sometimes involves going past him to get help. God blessed Abigail when she did this. In her case it was abundantly clear what was necessary. In other cases it might require pastoral input and oversight. But obedience and submission to a mere man is never absolute. God governs all of us. We demonstrate that we serve Him above all others when we realize that our submission and obedience to our husbands is always to be lived out within the boundaries God has wisely set for us.

Home Burdens

November 28, 2011November 28, 2011 Tony Reinke Octavius Winslow, Trials, Wives, Womanhood

Octavius Winslow writes the following to comfort all who carry the weight of “home-burdens.” After I read it I stopped to pray for the wives I know who carry a heavy load of family duties and burdens on a daily basis. This is from his book The Ministry of Home (London: 1847), pages 351–352:

Perhaps, your home-duties, trials, and needs, form your burden. Every home is an embryo kingdom, an epitomized world, of which the parent constitutes the sovereign. There are laws to be obeyed, rules to be observed, subjects to be governed, cares to be sustained, demands to be met, and “who is sufficient for all this?” is often your anxious inquiry. Who can tell what crushing burdens, what bitter sorrows, what corroding cares, what pressing demands, may exist within a single family circle, deeply veiled from every eye but God’s? . . . Your children are an anxiety. Your domestic duties a trial. Your necessities are pressing. Your whole position one of embarrassment and depression [financially].

What shall you do? Do even as the Lord who loves you enjoins — “Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain you.” Your Heavenly Father knows all your home-trials, for He has sent them! Jesus, though he had no home on earth, yet sympathized with the home-cares and sorrows of others, and is not a stranger, nor indifferent to yours. Bring all to Him, tell Him all, confide to Him all, trust Him in all. You have no family trial too great, and no domestic need too little, and no home-sorrow too delicate, to take to Christ. Obey the precept, “Cast your burden upon the Lord;” and He will make good the promise, “and He shall sustain you.” O costly and blessed home-burden that brings Jesus beneath our roof! . . .

Jesus is the great Burden-Bearer of His people. No other arm, and no other heart, in heaven or upon earth, were strong enough, or loving enough, to bear these burdens but His! He who bore the weight of our sin and curse and shame in His obedience and death — bore it along all the avenues of His weary pilgrimage, from Bethlehem to Calvary — is He who now stretches forth His Divine arm, and makes bare a Brother’s heart to take your burden of care and of grief, dear saint of God, upon Himself.

Loving with Constancy [marriage]

December 2, 2009 Tony Reinke Idolatry, Idols, Marriage, Wives

“After Lucas, the artist, had taken a wife and the wedding was over, he always desired to be next to his bride. He had a good friend who said to him, ‘Friend, don’t do that. Before a half-year is gone you will have had enough of that. There won’t be a maid in your house whom you won’t prefer to your wife.’ And so it is. We hate the things that are present and we love those that are absent. As Ovid wrote, ‘What we may have [does not please us]; it’s what we may not have that excites our passion.’ This is the weakness of our nature. Then the devil comes and introduces hatred, suspicion, and concupiscence on both sides, and these cause desertion. It’s easy enough to get a wife, but to love her with constancy is difficult. A man who can do this has reason to thank our Lord for it. Accordingly, if a man intends to take a wife, let him be serious about it and pray to God, ‘Dear Lord God, if it be thy divine will that I continue to live without a wife, help me to do so. If not, bestow upon me a good, pious girl with whom I may spend all my life, whom I hold dear, and who loves me.’”

—Martin Luther, Table Talk [WA TR V no. 5524] p. 214.

HT: T-Bomb

The ♥-Trust-Worthy Wife

July 2, 2009July 2, 2009 Tony Reinke Marriage, Wives

Proverbs 31:11 says of the godly wife, “The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.”

The passage is remarkable, writes Bruce Waltke.

“The statement, his heart trusts in her, which entails that his well-being stands or falls on her reliability, is remarkable. Outside of this text and Judg. 20:36, Scripture condemns trust in anyone or anything apart from God/the LORD (cf. 2 K. 18:21; Ps. 118:8-9; Isa. 36:5; Jer. 5:17; 12:52; 18:10; 48:7; Ezek. 33:13; Mic. 7:5). As E. Gerstenberger observed, ‘One can successfully place confidence only in Yahweh,… no other entity can be an ultimate object of trust.’ The present exception elevates the valiant wife, who herself fears the LORD, to the highest level of spiritual and physical competence. … Verset B presents the cause of his trust: he does not lack anything necessary. The surprising object, spoil, a military metaphor, implies that the woman has to win essentials like food and clothing through strategy, timely strength, and risk in this fallen world.”

—Bruce K. Waltke, The Book of Proverbs: Chapters 15-31 (Eerdmans 2005), pp. 521-522.

Quite a remarkable passage indeed.

Husbands, do you trust your wife so much that you can say, with the writer of Proverbs, that you trust your wife with your heart? Yes? Let her know. Today. Right now.

Wives, are you tired from all the coupons and waiting for the right sale because money is tight? Press on with your God-glorifying strategy, strength, and risk.

The Law of Kindness by Mary Beeke

December 6, 2007December 6, 2007 Tony Reinke BR > Reformation Heritage Books, Children, Cross of Christ, Cross-centered life, Joel R. Beeke, Marriage, Wives

Today I have the honor of pointing you to Mary Beeke’s new book, The Law of Kindness: Serving with Heart and Hands (Reformation Heritage: 2007).

My wife and I have enjoyed brief but precious time with the Beeke family and have benefited from Mary’s display of kindness. As the mother of three kids and the wife of a busy seminary president, author, and pastor — Mary’s many duties are fulfilled in a display of selflessness and kindness. She is, in the words of Sinclair Ferguson, “Mrs. Kindness personified.”

Her new book was written to help the reader cultivate kindness. The book covers topics such as understanding kindness and its root (chs. 1-3), learning kindness as a wife, parent, or teacher (Mary was a teacher), and helping children and teens learn kindness (chs. 4-9). Finally, she concludes with chapters on the display of kindness: kind thoughts, kind words, and kindness displayed toward the needy (chs. 10-13).

It’s a book intended for a broad audience, not limited to wives and mothers.

The Kind Husband

The Law of Kindness features a very helpful chapter (ch. 5: “The Kind Husband”) written by Mary’s husband, Dr. Joel Beeke (also an example of kindness). His chapter sets out to help husbands understand and apply Ephesians 5:25-29. Dr. Beeke begins his chapter with a proper awareness of the Cross.

He writes:

We are to show our wives loving-kindness because we are to treat our wives the way Christ treats His bride, the church. This is what Paul is saying in Ephesians 5:25-29. Here are three ways we are to show our wives loving-kindness:

1. Absolutely. Christ gives “Himself” for His bride — His total self (v. 25). He holds nothing back. That is obvious from what He has done (think of Calvary), is doing (think of His constant intercession at the Father’s right hand), and what He will do (think of His Second Coming). We, of course, do not merit salvation for ourselves. But in terms of the consistent, absolute giving of loving-kindness, Christ is our mentor. We, too, are to give ourselves to our wives. That is a call to consistent, absolute loving-kindness.

2. Realistically and purposely. Christ shows kindness to His bride to sanctify her so that He might present her without spot or wrinkle to His Father (vv. 26-27). Christ realizes that His church is far from perfect; she has many spots and wrinkles. She has numerous shortcomings. So we as husbands are to love our wives as if they were perfect, even when we know they are not. Our call and challenge is not to show consistent loving-kindness to a perfect woman but to model Christ in showing consistent loving-kindness to an imperfect wife who has numerous shortcomings. Our purposeful goal must be to influence our wife to good, hoping that our kind love may remove some of the shortcomings, so that our partners may receive freedom to flourish, basking in our kindness.

3. Sacrificially. Christ nourishes and cherishes His bride at His own expense (vv. 28-29). So ought we husbands treat our wives at our own expense with the care that we treat our own bodies. If you have something in your eye, you don’t say to yourself, “I think I’ll take care of that tomorrow.” You give it immediate, tender care. So we ought to treat our wives, sacrificing, at times, our own time and desires. We must care for, protect, nurture, and respect our wives as we would our own bodies.

Are you showing your wife the exemplary loving-kindness of Christ absolutely, realistically, purposely, and sacrificially? “No,” you confess, “that is impossible.” You are wrong, my friend. Yes, you will always fall short of the mark of perfection since you are not Christ, but by Christ’s grace and His Spirit, you can learn to treat your wife with Christlike loving-kindness (pp. 72-73).

The majority of the chapter explains very practical ways that husbands can display loving-kindness towards their wives.

Conclusion

I believe The Law of Kindness is Mary Beeke’s first official book project. Her writing style is very energetic and engaging. She is unafraid to discuss personal issues and offers much practical advice for wives to display kindness towards their husbands and children. Her words in chapter nine challenge children and teens to display kindness, too. And her expressed appreciation for her husband is itself a model of kindness. For example, she concludes the introduction with these words:

“Words fail to express my gratitude to my dear husband, Joe, for his steadfast love and tenacious support of me. He has encouraged me to continue writing about this subject that I love so much, in spite of times when I felt completely unworthy to do so. He has overlooked dust and clutter and has offered to take the family out to eat more times than he probably should have, so I could have time to write. I am deeply grateful to God for this man who lives by the law of kindness” (p. 7).

Whether in wise counsel, practical illustrations, or even in the way they talk about one another in the book, the Beeke family displays the law of kindness. It’s a rich blessing for the church to now have their influence in book form.

Title: The Law of Kindness: Serving with Heart and Hands
Author: Mary Beeke with one chapter by Joel Beeke
Reading level: 2.0/5.0 > readable and engaging
Boards: paperback
Pages: 247
Volumes: 1
Dust jacket: no
Binding: glue
Paper: white and clean
Topical index: no
Scriptural index: yes
Features: 17-pages of study questions
Text: perfect type
Publisher: Reformation Heritage Books
Year: 2007
Price USD: $ 9.00 from RBH
ISBNs: 9781601780294

Books for Your Bride: The Memory Maker

November 13, 2007November 13, 2007 Tony Reinke spurgeon, Wives

by Karalee

Our final category in the Christmas Books for your Bride series is for the “Memory Maker.”

Tell-tale signs that your wife might fit into this category: At some time during the year, the dining room table resembles a scrapbooking store, with photos and pretty papers decorating every flat surface. She sometimes forgets to pack diapers in the diaper bag, but always remembers the camera. She remembers all the dates and details of your courtship, and knows off the top of her head how many years you’ve been married. Without having to do the math.

All joking aside, there is a memory maker in each one of your wives. Whether she records memories in a scrapbook or in her heart, your wife treasures the days and years of your family. As children of God, we realize that our days here on earth are numbered, and the holidays are a meaningful time for God to teach us to “number our days,” that we might consider His work and “glorious power” in our families (Ps 90).

So we have just one book recommendation to close out our series. Treasuring God in Our Traditions by Noël Piper includes helpful ideas for Christmas traditions, yes. But it also drives the heart of every tradition to the Cross.

I think the foreword, by John Piper, is a beautiful picture of God at work in shaping a family’s traditions:

“Treasuring God in our Traditions is exactly the right title for this book. God is the treasure of our lives. We see him in everything. We believe with all our hearts that ‘from him and through him and to him are all things.’ He gets the glory; we get the joy. My job has been to articulate the vision in writing. Noël has shaped a family around it. Now she turns that work into words.”

In God’s abundant grace, He has equipped Dr. Piper to teach and lead his family, and He has encouraged Noël to help teach their children how to treasure the truth that their dad was teaching. As she describes in the book,

“Now although we cannot bequeath God to our children, we can help them know him and understand him in ways that prepare them to believe in his name. ‘Everyday’ and ‘especially’ traditions in a family are an important part of that teaching, of picturing who God is and what he’s done in our home and in the world. Traditions are a vital way of displaying our greatest treasure, of showing what – Who – is most important to us.”

Noël shows how her family has done this in both the everyday and the holiday. A few ideas for Christmas include:

Helpful thoughts and practical ideas on looking forward to Christmas at advent.
Teaching the biblical story in a hands-on way with manger scenes, “Jesus Trees,” and other symbols.
Giving to others in the name of Jesus (Matthew 25:40).

Because Noël’s book is not new, chances are your wife may already own a copy. But maybe your home is a little like ours, where we have read the book and admired the ideas, but primarily just floated through December without being too purposeful in our family traditions.

So this year, instead of walking into the kitchen announcing his own Christmas gift, Tony delivered a meaningful Christmas gift to me and our children by simply asking the question, “What ways can we teach our children to treasure Christ during this season?” Standing in the kitchen over coffee, we were able to talk through the traditions that we feel would help our children to see God in the midst of wrapping paper and bows. Tony’s leadership in this area was a precious gift to me.

We count it a joy to pray for you, that God will give you wisdom in caring for your wife and leading your family this Christmas. Thank you for joining us for this series, and may God be glorified in your homes all year!

Find the rest of the series here: